My Adventures in (Trying) Online Dating

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Sometimes, you have experiences so annoying, so horrifying, so disturbing, etcetera, that the only thing to do is….make fun of it.  That’s how I currently feel about my recent return to the world of online dating websites.  I decided about a month ago to try a new site recommended to me by a co-worker (who I’m thinking of thanking in a way she probably won’t appreciate).  Here is just a glimpse into this often disconcerting world.

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Okay, first of all are the profile pictures.  There are a couple things here that I just simply do not comprehend!  Number one would be profile pictures where the man is not smiling, or worse yet, is scowling!  The point is supposed to be that your picture attracts someone, correct?  Why would you want to make yourself look all together unapproachable, intimidating, and downright scary?  It does not make any sense to me whatsoever. 

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The other thing that I came to hate about profile pictures are the shirtless bathroom pictures.  As Emma Stone says in Crazy, Stupid, Love “It’s like you’re photo shopped or something!” Why?  Because you probably are (side note:  my pictures may have me in makeup, but there isn’t even a filter being used!  I’m cute and adorable all on my own, and I’m sure you are, too).  This is the guy equivalent of the duck face pictures so many girls and women are fond of.  No one over the age of 15 thinks either are cute.  Trust.  Also, I have been watching way too much Catfish lately to believe that that’s even really you.  Sorry, but Nev has made me a little bit paranoid, and for this I love him with all my heart.  Also, you look like a douchebag when you do that because no one, I repeat no one, wants to see your bathroom before even meeting you.  Trust me on this one.

Okay, what else did I find out during my adventures?  Well, some people are really pushy about a wide variety of things.  When you message a woman saying you want to get together that night, you’re a jerk for two reasons:  one, you should actually, like, message her for a while before meeting up.  You know, make her feel more comfortable and less like she’s going to meet the heir apparent to Norman Bates.  Second, you’re assuming she has no plans.  When that message is sent on a Friday or Saturday, this is even more offensive.  If you message someone once or twice and she doesn’t respond, then she is probably not that into you.  Move on.  Plenty of other fish in the sea! Oh, and one last thing. If we’re messaging back and forth, and I don’t respond for a day or so because, you know, I do have a life, don’t flip out. Don’t throw a virtual temper tantrum. Talk about a turn off!

In addition to that, guess what, guys?  Most women probably won’t be turned on, flattered, etcetera when you message her for x-rated pictures during your SECOND conversation.  If I was the type to do that, WHICH I AM NOT (because, duh, you’re going to show that to your homies, and I know that), I would probably at least want a steak dinner, first.  I mean, seriously.

Finally, if you are simply looking for sex, it’s your life, and it’s cool.  It’s not what I’m looking for, but, hey, too each his or her own.  However, maybe you don’t put on your profile that you’re looking for a long term relationship.  Maybe you choose the option that says “Hooking Up” or “Dating, but nothing serious.”  That way, neither of us waste our precious time!  Win, win.

That all being said, I have closed down my profile, and I could not feel more at peace.

Edit: This time around, I did not actually meet any of these “gentleman.” All of this was based on messaging, texting, and talking on the phone.

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4 thoughts on “My Adventures in (Trying) Online Dating

  1. So proud to be a man…

  2. P.S. What is your last name? LOL!

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